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Living > Public Health, Safety

Talking With Your Child About Sexuality

Many parents are concerned they won't know how to answer their child's questions on sexuality. Having all the answers isn't what counts in sex education. It's okay to say you aren't sure. The important point is to be sure to seek out accurate information. Learning together can be a very positive experience. Most importantly, children learn that their parents want to help - want them to ask questions. As a parent, you are the first important teacher for your child on many subjects, including and especially sexuality.

What is Sexuality?
Getting Started
Your Child is Getting Sex Education
Be an Askable Parent
What about Abstinence?
The Four-Point Plan
Recommended Websites

What is Sexuality?

All of us are sexual. Our sexuality includes:

  • Our genders - male and female
  • Our bodies and how our bodies work
  • Our sexual orientations - straight, gay or bisexual
  • Our values about life, love and the people our lives touch

Getting Started...

Sex talks are the ones that never get started in most homes because:

  • We have no experience - no one talked to us
  • We are embarrassed
  • We don't know the facts

Parents often think they have to know all the answers...

We don't have to be experts. Most of the facts about sexuality are easily accessible at our local library. Often, the best sex education is done with the parents and child learning together.

Parents often think that they have to be comfortable...

It's okay to begin difficult conversations by saying:
"This makes me uncomfortable, but because I love you it's something we need to talk about".

Your Child is Getting Sex Education

There are many messages about sexuality that children get every day from friends, the media and society. Some of these sexual messages may be confusing, especially if they contain wrong or harmful information. It is impossible to shelter your children from their peers and the media; therefore, it's best to help them filter out unhealthy messages. Discussion, guidance and knowledge can help a child learn the techniques of good decision making. Ignorance is dangerous.

Be an Askable Parent

There are no written rules to guide a parent in sex education. Parents have had their own experiences which will 'colour' how they deal with their children. But here are a few tips that might be of help:

  1. Encourage your child to ask questions at an early age.
  2. Make your child feel there is no such thing as a stupid or unacceptable question.
  3. If you don't know the answer, say so, but also promise to try and find out.
  4. Answer questions simply and honestly, this will help your child grow both in knowledge and trust.
  5. Make it your business to be informed about important aspects of sexuality - it will help make you feel more comfortable about questions.
  6. Don't be afraid to initiate discussion with your child. If your child seems disinterested, simply postpone the discussion, but make it clear that your child can feel free to bring up the subject at any time.
  7. Use teachable moments, such as television programs, or a friend's pregnancy.
  8. Remember that proper sex education includes not only discussions on sexual development and reproductive health, but it also includes interpersonal relationships, body image, values and gender roles.
  9. Remember that learning about sexuality is a lifelong process.

Parents often think that they can tell a child too much...

What happens when you tell your child something they don't want to hear? Most of the listening stops. Make sure you answer the question first. When the child's curiosity is dealt with, add as much as they will listen to, and can understand. Don't be surprised if you answer the same question several times.

Parents often think they have to wait until a child asks...

If your child isn't asking questions about sex, it could be due to the fact that you have shown yourself to be closed to discussions on sexuality. They will find the answers to their questions; it's your decision whether or not those answers come from you.

What About Abstinence?

Encourage your children not to be taken in by the age-old pressure tactic "everybody's doing it". While statistics tell us that the average age of first intercourse is 16 (The Alan Guttmacher Institute), it is certainly true that many young people wait longer to have sexual intercourse. Teens often claim that they have intercourse the first time because they are curious. Open communication about sexuality among all family members will help make sexual behaviour less mysterious.

Although we may encourage teens to postpone sexual relations, it is true that many young people will have intercourse when they feel they are ready. Therefore, in order for young people to make informed decisions, it is vital to provide your child with information on preventing pregnancy and sexuality transmitted infections. They need to be able to protect themselves when they decide to stop being abstinent. In addition, young people need to understand that abstaining from sexual intercourse is the only 100% effective way to prevent both sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy.

Help your children understand the value of assertiveness, self-respect and health decision making in postponing sexual intercourse. Remember, it is possible for parents to talk about abstinence without sounding "preachy".

The Four-Point Plan

The Four-Point Plan will help assist and guide parents with their responses when talking to their children about sexuality. The four steps to approach any question are:

  1. Facts: Your child deserves a factual answer; therefore do not let emotions affect your response.
  2. Values: Share your values about sexuality with your child.
  3. Responsibility: When answering your children's questions on sexuality, be sure to let them know what you expect of them and what their responsibilities are.
  4. Self-Esteem: Answer your child's questions in a positive way that will help them to feel good about themselves.

Recommended Websites

Sexuality and You
This Canadian website offers credible and reliable information on sexuality.

Teaching Sexual Health
An innovative website for parents, teachers and students, developed by Alberta educators and health professionals.

Planned Parenthood Federation of Canada
This website offers reliable information on sexual health and family planning.


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